R. Kelly Cancels Performances for October 2012 Concert Cruise
Esteemed author, voice of the people, and occasional R&B musical wunderkind R Kelly announced today that he would no longer be performing his upcoming October concert cruise. Apparently, someone forgot to pay the three-time Grammy award winner for his five-nights crooning and air-humping at sea.
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"R. Kelly had been looking forward to the cruise and was ready, willing and able to perform for fans," said a Kelly representative. "He is sorry for any disappointment but plans to see his fans very soon on a U.S. tour."
The "Love Letter Cruise," named after Kelly's most recent album, was set to begin Oct. 1 in Miami aboard the 2,642-passenger Carnival Destiny. Kelly was scheduled as headliner alongside Spanish Harlem Orchestra, Albert Torres, and Walter Jones. Organized by Concerts Cruise in association with Bling1 Entertainment, the Love Letter Cruise was scheduled to include calls in Grand Turks; Nassau, Bahamas; and Half Moon Cay, a private island in the Bahamas. Fares started at $1,499 per person, based on double occupancy.
R. Kelly fans who signed up for the cruise are getting notices of its cancellation and will receive full refunds.
Here ‑ via lyrics, and quotes from R Kelly's "Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me" - is our imagining of Kelly's forthcoming response to the inevitable questions and cries of "Judas!" surrounding his concert's cancellation.
I bought tickets and you cancel on me!? Don't you love your fans?
"My mind is telling me no, but my body my body's telling me yes"
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF DECENCY? THIS WAS GONNA BE MY VACATION!
"Can I get a toot toot? Can I get a beep beep?"
This was gonna be my fiance and I's honeymoon! You're ruining my marriage already!
"When I'm livin' the life, you just gettin' it right/ Your old lady look at me 'cause you ain't hittin' it right/ She probably used to like you 'cause you the business type/ That's until I came along and put some **** in her life"
How do you look at yourself in the mirror every morning?
"Like Jurassic Park, except I'm your sex-a-saurus baby."
I'm so depressed now ... Any words of wisdom?
"Sears Tower, I dare you to fall on me. I dare you to scare me anymore. You ain't nothing but steel and concrete. You might be a symbol of this city, but one day I'm gonna be a symbol. I'm gonna stand for Chicago; one day I'm gonna stand as tall as you."
Did you have a ticket and now your cruise is shipwrecked? Let us know what you think in the comments.